Sapphi.

Still Sophie here. I was just lying awake staring at my ceiling feeling horrible about myself, and I realised that I might as well be on here typing about why I hate myself at the minute, instead of lying in bed thinking about it. 

Why is it that thing that I should hate, really turn me on? I want to be raped, properly forced to have sex when I don’t want it. It doesn’t even have to be with my boyfriend, it could be with anyone. It’s always with my boyfriend though, or some of his alters that don’t mind forcing sex on me when I don’t want it (which is only ever when I’m too triggered to have sex, so it’s twice as bad). 

I like being physically abused too. You could say I’m a masochist. You could say I’m an abuse addict. I like physical abuse not even in a sexual manner. Sometimes when Sapphi and her boyfriend have a bad argument, one of his violent alters switches out and is physically violent. It scares the shit out of her but I want them to do it to me. 

Emotional abuse too. I guess I just want to be hurt and abused in any way. 

Ugh.

Soph xxx

Still Sophie here. Just self-harmed for what must have been the first time in like a year… Think it released some of the tension though… I still feel like a sick twisted fuck, though.

Soph xxx

It’s Sophie here, and I’m having a difficult time tonight. I suffer from what I can only describe as an abuse addiction.

Most of the time it doesn’t bother me… I get my boyfriend to rape me and whatnot, it’s distressing at the time, but afterwards I get some kind of sick kick out of it. Usually I don’t mind, and I don’t feel guilty about it. But my boyfriend has DID too, and he has flashbacks and whatnot. Mostly he tells Sapphi about the abuse (host) but when he tells me about it, I’m sympathetic obviously, but I just find myself wishing it would happen to me.

Tonight I just feel so depressed. How sick is it that he is forced to remember these horrible memories and I’m fucked up enough to want stuff like this to happen to me? 

I don’t have any memories of my own and I don’t know if there are any memories to have. I just feel so twisted and so fucked up that I feel this way, especially when my poor boyfriend has to suffer these awful horrible memories.

I don’t even know what to do at the minute.

Soph xxx

So back in February, my boyfriend kicked the rhythm guitarist out of his band, and I joined as the rhythm guitarist. The session before I joined the band, they all agreed that they would learn the song ‘Killing in the Name’ by Rage Against The Machine, before the next session. When I joined the band not long after, I made sure I had learned both Killing in the Name, and the first song they had covered, Smells Like Teen Spirit, because I didn’t want people to think I was a shit band member for not learning the required songs, and (even though I’m not that great at guitar) I didn’t want them to think I was a shit guitarist because I couldn’t play the songs.   

So I went back on my first session and everyone knew Killing in the Name apart from the bassist. The next session, he still didn’t know it, the next session, he still didn’t know it, and so on and so on. It’s now the end of May, we have a session tomorrow, and he still doesn’t know it. I feel like I’m wasting my money paying for a practice room when he can’t get off his arse and learn one song.

It wasn’t so bad before last week, when he didn’t have a singer so we couldn’t do gigs anyway, but now we’ve got a singer who has lots of connections and could get us gigs whenever we want, and that has given me at least the motivation to want to get learning songs as quickly as possible so we can start gigging as quickly as possible. But if it’s going to take him more than 3 months to learn one song, we’re never going to be able to start gigging. It’s pissing me off. 

Sapphi x